'One-sie for the road': why the onesie should be banned

I present to you the opposing argument to one of the greatest scourges of this earth since the cast of Made In Chelsea first got together: onesies.

Face it, there is nothing more hideous or disturbing than seeing a fully-grown person in, what is essentially, a romper suit for adults. Sometimes, in a pathetic attempt to be vaguely appealing, they are even decorated with apparently attractive patterns such as garish cartoon characters or raindrops (presumably in reference to the tears that humanity wept the first time they saw someone in a onesie). So, in order to persuade you that onesies are, in fact, repugnant, I have prepared a list of counter-arguments for the common justifications for purchasing these horrendous items.

a) ‘It’s warm’. So is a jumper, but a jumper can be stylish and classy. A onesie looks like a Baby-Gro. 

b) ‘It’s comfy’. So are yoga pants, but you can actually go to the toilet in yoga pants.

c) ‘You can dress up in them! Look, mine’s a cute little tiger!’ It’s not Halloween. That was two weeks ago. It is no longer time to dress up. It’s time to pull yourself together and dress like a functioning adult.

d) ‘It’s so easy to wear everyday’. Let’s just think about this one: if I wore the same thing for a week, people would start moving away from me in lectures. But because your travesty of an outfit is an all-in-one, it’s acceptable to wear it until it is caked in a solid inch of assorted debris and grime?

And finally e) ‘Look, it has little bits for my feet as well!’ Man has already invented a perfectly good set of foot covers- socks. But the great thing about these is you don’t have to change your entire outfit if your socks get wet in the puddle from your leaky college sink.

So, now you have realised that your once precious onesie is actually an abomination, you must be disappointed that bonfire night has passed, stealing away your opportunity to ritually burn the offending item. But don’t worry: bin collections come every week. 

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