Ciggies for Cerberus: Some Cambridge Love Stories

Harry Goodwin 14 November 2020
Image Credit: Tate

Echo and Narcissus

Echo was an HSPS student who never had anything original to say in supervisions; Narcissus was a rower. She sent him nine super-lame Crushbridges, but none of them got posted. Nowadays, she focuses on her degree and he’s become a drinking-society bore.

She sent him nine super-lame Crushbridges, but none of them got posted.

Penelope and Odysseus

Penelope was a fresher, and Odysseus was her childhood sweetheart back home in Gloucestershire. They spent decades apart while he tried to get into Cambridge second time lucky, until she thought they would never be reunited – at which point she got some Cambridge boyfriends too. Eventually Odysseus did get in (if only for Classics) and found about these boyfriends, whom he sent some passive-aggressive messages on Facebook before dropping out. Odysseus now goes to St. Andrews.

Orpheus and Eurydice

Orpheus was the son of Apollo and the muse Mary Beard. He went to private school and does Law. One day Orpheus fell in love with the quite pretty Eurydice (also posh), but she went to Wednesday Cindies one day and was killed by the bad music. Orpheus went to the underworld (Gardies) in search of Eurydice. Unfortunately, his path was blocked by the three-headed dog Cerberus, who has one head representing permanent fatigue, one head representing sexual frustration and one head representing jealousy towards your mates at Durham. Cerberus relented when Orpheus gave him a ciggie. The sweaty guy behind the counter agreed to release Eurydice so long as Orpheus never looked at some pictures her friends had taken of her antics at Cindies. He couldn’t resist a peek, and she dumped him for being really possessive and wet.

Artemis and Actaeon

Artemis was a virgin goddess – or at least that’s what she told her confessor at Little St. Mary’s. She did ASNAC and rarely stayed up later than ten. One time after Christmas Superhall Artemis was in the JCR having a lively conversation about Mary Shelley with some friends. Actaeon, a History student whose main interests were FIFA 18 and beer, suddenly fell off a windowsill and threw up on his shoes, the carpet and Artemis’ gown. Overwhelmed by spite and rage, Artemis transformed him into a responsible adult.

Hades and Persephone

Persephone was the college daughter of Demeter, who had her over for a crap vegan dinner then neglected her. Persephone was in a situationship with Hades, a sharky second-year who had beaten Demeter in the election for boat-club social sec. Eventually they got together and Hades took Persephone either to hell or to Fitzbillies – it being hard to tell the difference on a Saturday morning. Demeter was slightly miffed and made some cryptic comments when she bumped into the couple at a college bop. By now fully whipped, Hades and Persephone only ever appeared on the year-group chat during the summer holidays, when they contributed many irritating messages about the upcoming room ballot.

Eventually they got together and Hades took Persephone either to hell or to Fitzbillies – it being hard to tell the difference on a Saturday morning.

Pygmalion

Pygmalion was a History student who lived in a house of six pub boys and had given up on girls after a first-year cringefest for which he was wholly responsible. However, there was one girl who thought he was a good laugh if a bit annoying sometimes. One evening, Pygmalion drank eight Stellas, which made the girl seem so beautiful to him that he fell in love with her. He prayed to Venus, the Crushbridge admin, that the girl would stay that way when they went to brunch the next day. Venus granted this wish, but Pygmalion unfortunately woke up at three in the afternoon wondering where his self-worth had gone. The girl went to brunch with Hades instead.