Eurovision: Swot up on the contenders

Dominic Kelly 10 May 2014

Is it that time of year again? Can it only be twelve months since Emmelie de Forest conquered Malmö  ? Just 52 weeks since this was robbed? Merely 365 days since Bonnie Tyler “did really, really well” ? (Source: Absolutely Sodding No One, 2013). Copenhagen 2014 is almost here; it’s your civic duty to educate yourself on this year’s entries. Follow DOMINIC KELLY's guide and you'll survive, just.

THE CONTENDERS

SWEDEN: Sanna Nielsen – Undo

The favourite. As a country that produced the all-time great Eurovision entry  and the Reigning Pop Champion of the World , Sweden take Eurovision so seriously they have a 2-month long reality TV contest to pick their song. It’s probably even better than ‘Splash!’, I reckon. The Swedes always provide a formidable entry and this is no exception.

ARMENIA: Aram MP3 – Not Alone

A man so in tune with the musical zeitgeist he has MP3 in his freaking name. This entry is ridiculously in vogue e.g. piano ballad opening followed by a huge, completely unnecessary, dubstep drop. Unfortunately, based on the Semi-Final – believe it or not, there's actually a qualifying contest on BBC3, after the sixth re-run ‘Don’t Tell The Bride’ but before the tenth repeat of ‘Family Guy’ – he can't really seem to sing live whatsoever. Luckily, this is Eurovision, so that is completely irrelevant.

UNITED KINGDOM: Molly – Children of the Universe

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! Blighty really does have an outside shot of winning Eurovision. Surprisingly, when the Beeb actually takes it seriously and doesn't send some innuendo-laden air hostesses ("Would you like something to suck on for landing sir?") we produce a Florence and the Machine-esque entry that's actually a bit of a tune. Imagine if we did win, this time next year, we could have Vernon Kay coming live from Glasgow SSE Hydro or somewhere, massacring the French language. What on earth would we do for our halftime entertainment? Do we even have a national dance? So many questions.

THE NETHERLANDS: The Common Linnets – Calm After The Storm

The dark horse of this year's contest: since this delightful duo's Semi-Final victory on Tuesday, the odds of this ditty winning have been slashed. It's sweet, it's restrained, it's understated… Surely it's got no chance at all?

THE BEST OF THE REST

Post-Jedward, recent Eurovisions have contained substantially less ‘novelty’ songs but occasionally it stills throws up gems like this. Look at their sharp suits! Look at their synchronised dance moves! One of their backing vocalists is genuinely an MP in Iceland. (Relatedly, keep an eye out for the Rt. Hon Eric Pickles MP in Molly’s dance troupe.) Personally, I don’t think this counts as a comedy song as it has a pretty darn important message and sounds quite a lot like a The Hives and They Might Be Giants hybrid, which is a damn good thing.

Additionally, look out for Russian identical twins on a see-saw, Danish ASDA Price, Bruno Mars and French hipsters singing about how much they like moustaches. In sum, the UK has its best chance of winning in years. So let’s reconvene on Monday to complain about block voting and how we got nil points. Agreed?