Sexual Healing - 7: Neighbours and noisy sex

Image credit: Pernilla Ekholm

The TCS Sex & Relationships column is here to answer your queries! Get in touch via relationships@tcs.cam.ac.uk

My neighbour has started seeing a boy. I was really happy for her until she started having really noisy sex increasingly often. Waking up to the sound of her screaming was the final straw. How can I make it stop?

One does not simply stop students from having sex. I am however happy to advise you: don’t get angry… get even!

If you don’t want to cause a hassle or confront your neighbour about their seismic orgasms, consider some of the following tactics:

  • Put in your headphones on full volume.
  • Listen to happy music – probably something to remind you of innocent times. Taylor Swift, for example – Tay-tay’s problems are everybody’s problems. There she was, lying on the cold, hard ground, all happy and innocent, and what do you think woke her up? “Ahhhhh! Ahh, ahh!”
  • Sleep over round a friend’s room, in another corridor / house / college (depending on volume of offenders). Pray that they don’t have the same problem.
  • Or: leave the room. Return in two to forty minutes.

If you’re bitter that you spend your evenings in silence, or are simply of a passive aggressive disposition, here are some slightly more heavy-duty options:

  • Knock on the wall, ask them firmly to quieten down. Alternatively: knock on the wall, ask to join in because you’re quite excited about the affair too. Problem solved – they won’t even want to talk to you again!
  • Gather a crowd of friends in your room and quietly sit it out together until the bitter end. At last, applaud loudly as they finish.
  • Play music loudly every time they do it. Marvin Gaye will probably only add fuel to the fire. Consider alternatives to blast such as ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply’ by Passion Pit. No one wants to be reminded that that song exists.
  • Slip a timetable under their door. Highlight the hours in which you’re out of your room for lectures or extracurricular activities. Wish them luck.
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