Gove targets school swimming lessons

Alexander Rice – News Satirist 3 May 2013

Michael Gove today followed up on his commitment to end summer holidays with a tirade against the overuse of armbands in school swimming lessons. In his second statement of the week Mr Gove made clear his opinions on armbands which in his view provide an unfair crutch to some beginners, disadvantaging those want to work hard and get on in the pool.

Following tours up and down the country, sources close to the education secretary have hinted at Michael Gove’s “dismay” at the lack of commitment exhibited in some early years swimming lessons. “Whereas it might be alright to ease new-borns into the water” he told parents, “toddlers in the first year of nursery should be presented with a clear choice; to sink, or do what is right and swim.”

Many have welcomed the news, not least the influential Union Of Ex-Soviet Gym Teachers. Spokesman Sergey Kudinov, famed for having coached East Germany’s seven year old prodigy Alan Voronstrov to gold in the Olympic vault told TCS that the use of armbands showed “inherent weakness” in a child, going on to say that the proposal to ban them was “long overdue.”

This said, the plan has been met with opposition from parents and teachers alike. Gavin Quinn, Head of the of the PTA at Nottingham High School where Mr Gove spoke today called the suggestion “ludicrous,” and added that he “resented the minister’s own personal intervention in the day’s swimming lesson” where it is said that the Education Secretary patrolled the sides of the pool with a pole pushing struggling children away from the side.

Alexander Rice – News Satirist