‘He must be completely hairless from the neck down’: My Ideal Bloke 3

Harry Goodwin 1 October 2020
Image Credits: Sky News

Miss Guided, 19, is a student at [redacted] College who describes herself as a ‘reserved deep thinker’. This self-description was somewhat undermined by her participation in this week’s My Ideal Bloke feature:

TCS: Good afternoon, Miss Guided. Let’s get real: describe your Ideal Bloke

MG: Well, he would be like a pirate –

TCS: I’m sorry?

MG: – Yes, a pirate. What I mean is that he should have eyes like he hasn’t slept in days and hair that has never seen a comb.

TCS: I didn’t know that pirates suffered from sleep deprivation.

MG: More generally, he should have a sort of rugged vibe, as if he’s been through some shit. You know?

TCS: I do know.

MG: Psychologically speaking, he would have to be mysterious and a bit cold on the outside, but kind-hearted on the inside.

TCS: Aye aye, captain. If we’ve got piratical men in mind, would Johnny Depp approximate to your Ideal Bloke?

MG: Yes, he would. The key attributes are height, long dark hair and ruggedness.

TCS: Let’s delve into this notion of ruggedness.

MG: It’s partly a personality thing and partly a looks thing. Personality: it’s the sort of vibe where you know they’ve got baggage even if they don’t say so. Looks: they should be quite muscular.

TCS: Toned rather than ripped?

MG: Toned rather than ripped. Like Jason Momoa.

TCS: Jason Momoa is ripped, not toned.

MG: I’d say he’s toned, not ripped.

TCS: Let’s agree to disagree. There is an element of subjectivity about such matters.

MG: I forgot to add that he must be completely hairless beneath the neck.

TCS: That certainly isn’t true of Jason Momoa. Or any other man I know.

MG: Then I guess the real-life man who most closely resembles my Ideal Bloke is Avan Jogia.

TCS: That name doesn’t mean anything to me – I’ll take your word for it that he isn’t excessively hairy.

MG: He isn’t.

TCS: In which case, let’s move onto the personality side of things. Aside from the sadboi-baggage stuff, what qualities would your Ideal Bloke have?

MG: Under no circumstances would he be posh. He would not be in the least bit like Simon Cowell, Seth Rogen or CeeLo Green.

TCS: None of those men strikes me as being particularly posh.

MG: It’s hard for me to articulate. I’d say that my Ideal Bloke would have to be mysterious, intelligent, wholesome and nice.

TCS: A wholesome and nice pirate. Alright.