Cindies queue-jump, overpriced membership to a glorified, elitist working men’s club and seventy quid from your college. Such is the celebrity lifestyle of a Blue – only topped for covetedness in the sporting world by Lionel Messi’s left foot, Roberto Firmino’s gnashers, and Roger Federer’s anti-ageing cream. It’s almost Varsity season – but don’t despair, these sports could be your ticket to the holy land…
Breaking into the eight-man tiddlywinks squad could earn you a quarter Blue – and your name amongst the greats. Past ‘twinkers’ include a litany of world champions, the CUTwC being the birthplace of the modern adult game after a group of undergraduates met up at Christ’s College in January 1955 to come up with a sport at which they could represent the University. Mercifully, you’ll have ample opportunity to master this immensely technical discipline ahead of the Inter-Varsity Trophy, with the club involved in 13 tournaments on the tiddlywinks tour throughout the year, including Cuppers which kicked off on Wednesday night. All this for an affordable £3.88.
This is no walk in the park – running, in fact, up hills. A starting birth in the orienteering team though would take you up to the heady heights of a half Blue; with only 20 active members, simply signing up and shelling out 28 quid earns you subsidised travel and entry to the Varsity Match. Admittedly, while last year’s event was held in Fontainebleau, just south-west of Paris, this time around you’ll find yourself in the heathen wilderness of ‘The North’. God knows how Londoners are going to be able to navigate above the tropic of Watford. There is the rather ominously sounding weekly ‘Low intensity core stability exercises’ session to contend with – but amongst this are ‘Distance Judgment’ and ‘Compass Skills’. That’s how we like it.
Bittier than a soccer game with VAR, American football is hardly the most taxing sport athletically. Cambridge’s ‘Pythons’ are also pretty atrocious. Despite a promising campaign last year, narrowly missing out on the BUCS Midlands 1A title, this season has seen them lose all four league fixtures and tot up an impressive point difference of -99 having secured their only six points against fellow relegation candidates Imperial. The bar of expectation would be tolerably low. Plus, you’d be universally adored – a jock and a Blue! The firsts train two to three times a week along with a ‘classroom learning session’.
According to CURTC’s website are sport where “subtlety and thought are more prized than power and fitness.” Sounds promising. loping roofs, openings and surprise kinks in the walls and an absolutely bizarre myriad of lines aside, real tennis is certainly for the gentler breed of sportsperson. It was, after all, a favourite of gout-ridden Henry VIII. There are about 43 surviving courts in the UK, Australia, the US and France so who knows, you could even push for the world championships. Helpfully, the club has a former world number two and four-time world champion in its ranks. Get yourself down to 56 Grange Road.
Without a single 6am outing on the Cam you could get away with a Blue – rise to the pinnacle of sport, write your name in the history books, push the human body to its limits. Failing that, well, just don a blue blazer and play it smooth in the smoking area.