‘I desire a short king with a goatee’: My Ideal Bloke 4

Harry Goodwin 13 October 2020
Image credit: biography.com

Miss Pell, 20, is a student at [redacted] College. She describes herself as ‘flirty not dirty’, and is widely regarded as a wit. Miss Pell recently defined her Ideal Bloke in conversation with TCS:

TCS: Good afternoon, Miss Pell. Let’s grab the beast by its bollocks: tell us about your Ideal Bloke.

MP: Good afternoon. I’m a foodie, so my Ideal Bloke should cook well enough to transport me to flavour town. He should be an American, with frosted tips like Vanilla Ice.

TCS: Is it really possible for a man to be both a good cook and an American?

MP: My Ideal Bloke exists independently of practical contingencies.

TCS: Fair enough. What would he do for a living?

MP: Under no circumstances would he have a LinkedIn page – I want a man willing to walk on the wild side of the labour market. This notwithstanding, he should be a literary critic by day and a freak by night.

TCS: I’d say most literary critics are freaks whatever the time of day. Any other requirements, before you rule out the entire human race?

MP: He would certainly have a great ‘personality’, if you catch my drift.

TCS: I do, although I wish I didn’t.

MP: He would be an elderly Catholic gent with a hinterland as a ketty posh-boy. He would be equally comfortable discussing the Notorious B.I.G. and G.O.D. (and would read our children the B.F.G.).

TCS: Quite the meat-dripper. Let’s get physical: what would your Ideal Bloke actually look like?

MP: I relish the prospect of hanky-panky with a man who is ugly in a sexy way – GK Chesterton, for example.

TCS: ‘Love means to love that which is unlovable’. Martin Amis also comes to mind.

MP: Not for me he doesn’t.

TCS: He lies outside your zone of interest?

TCS: I wouldn’t touch him for all the money in London fields. His cultural criticism lacks generosity of spirit, and he is in any case exactly the wrong sort of ugly-sexy.

TCS: What’s the right sort?

MP: I desire a short king with tattoos, a goatee and a general lack of body hair.

TCS: That doesn’t sound very much like GK Chesterton.

MP: Perhaps Guy Fieri better exemplifies my Ideal Bloke, then.

TCS: Perhaps he does. He certainly doesn’t have a LinkedIn.