‘I realised how unsexy short hair was’: My Ideal Bloke 5

Harry Goodwin 5 November 2020
Image credit: Los Angeles Times

Miss Nomer, 19, is a science student at [redacted] College known for her diminutive stature. She recently sat down with TCS for the fifth instalment of My Ideal Bloke, the regular feature where people discuss their ideal bloke. Her favourite colour, which may or may not reflect her domestic political preferences, is blue.

Her favourite colour, which may or may not reflect her domestic political preferences, is blue.

TCS: Good evening, Miss Nomer. It’s Week Five, I’m hungover and in desperate need of editorial content, so no twaddle: tell us about your Ideal Bloke.

MN: Good evening to you too. Well, to start off with, I read way too much fan fiction as a young teen not to be attracted to the ‘jerk with a heart of gold’ trope.

TCS: By jerky fan fiction, do you mean Man Utd Twitter?

MN: No, I don’t. Honestly, I had no idea how much of an impact it had on me until I realised just how unsexy short, neat hair was and how much floppy hair could do for me.

TCS: But is it really the case that there exists a correlation between floppy hair and a jerk personality? This seems a classic instance of the secundum quid fallacy.

MN: Well, the heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.

TCS: To make light of philosophy is to be a true philosopher. What other physical features does your Ideal Bloke have?

MN: As well as being floppy his hair would be dark, just like his personality. He would be toned but lean and taller than me.

TCS: Any well-known examples?

MN: Adam Driver resembles my Ideal Bloke pretty closely.

TCS: Oh dear. Oh God. Mr Blobfish McPatricide himself.

MN: I have a big crush on him.

TCS: Why was Kylo Ren so angry when the table next to him got their food?

MN: I don’t know who Kylo Ren is.

TCS: Do you prefer Adam Driver in his clean-shaven or goateed incarnations?

MN: I’m actually a big fan of permastubble, like Jason Derulo.

TCS: Oh, indeed? Very Noughties. Let’s return to questions of personality, of which Jason Derulo has none.

MN: Well, after years of repressed comic-book and anime memories, I’d say my Ideal Bloke is a guy who’s cheeky but loyal, caring but a bit of a bastard.

TCS: Sounds like Joe Biden. Any final specifications?

MN: For fear of making it gross, it’s a guy who toys about with you a bit but really does care about you. Wow, I definitely made it gross.