So here it is again: Cambridge Freshers’ Week. But something is different. Your once youthful face is now a wrinkled death mask. Your joints click. You get a head rush when you stand up too quickly. In short, you’re no longer a Fresher. But, dear reader, follow my advice and you may yet relive the heady days of youth. The only way to enjoy Freshers’ week is to enter the mind set of Fresher, with a view to which I have helpfully devised the following five-step programme:
1) The clothes that you wear are no longer cool. For contemporary fashion inspiration, Google images of the hot young stars of today: Zayn Malik, Queen Latifah and ‘Posh Spice’. Soon you will be ‘down with’ the ‘kids’.
2) A real Fresher should have an overactive libido, while your genitals are drier than Leviticus. Remedy this situation by listening to the Gilbert Gottfried 50 Shades audiobook at 500 rpm until you enter a trance-like state of sexual receptivity.
3) While you were busy slaving away in academia over the past year, all the clubs in Cambridge have changed their names: you must learn these names if you wish to be accepted as a Fresher. Life is now Kuda, Fez is now Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat, and Spoons has become a hellish cyberpunk rave like in that scene from that Matrix sequel. But you can still call it Spoons.
4) Not having experienced the vagaries of collegiate life, you may find that the Freshers actually retain an obscene college loyalty. I understand that I’m not allowed to encourage you to kidnap a student from a rival college. Nor am I permitted to suggest that making a blood sacrifice of said student under the full moon will ascertain the undying devotion of your fellow Freshers. I’m categorically not saying that. I’m also not winking at you, because doing so via the medium of text is impossible with our current technology. Wink.
5) Freshers are still full of enthusiasm for uni life because they haven’t yet been broken by the sadism-fuelled academic system with which you, unfortunately, are so familiar. To emulate this naïveté you must literally unlearn what you have learned. Consider inducing amnesia, for example by shoving an ice pick up your nose.
Follow my advice to the letter, and in no time you’ll be a sex-crazed, hipper-than-thou, college-proud empty vessel: everything a Fresher should be. Of course this is Cambridge, so your Freshers’ week *may* actually consist of two days of crushing disappointment. Enjoy!