Attracting the Opposite Sex
All my life, I thought the way to form relationships with the opposite sex was to talk to them. But then I saw Drive and everything changed. Watching Ryan Gosling spend 90 minutes not talking to anyone, and yet managing to have a beautiful relationship with Carey Mulligan, before the violence erupted, made me realise where I had been going wrong. All you have to do is stand there, look like Ryan Gosling and you will be irresistible. Being the spitting image of Ryan myself, my love life improved immeasurably when I decided to shut up. But then I saw Only God Forgives, and suddenly silence ceased to be so sexy.
Life Lessons: Zombie apocalypse
Whether super-virus or overexposure to reality TV, it’s only a matter of time before slavering, mindless hordes overrun the world. Some tips for survival:
Cardio: Rule no.1 in Zombieland’s survival guide, the bare minimum required is the ability to outrun at least one member of your party.
Improvise: Use creative thinking to overcome potential difficulties. See Ash (Evil Dead II) and his chainsaw prosthetic for details.
Move to America: Less restrictive gun laws make tooling-up against undead hordes that bit easier. Failing that…
Follow Shaun’s example: Grab your cricket bat, head for the pub and wait for all this to blow over.
Song and Dance Cures All
Hollywood has taught me is that conflict can always be resolved through the power of a good song and dance. Whether this is brought about through the fusion of classical and street dance in Step Up, or through the feel-good karaoke anthems in classics such as Dirty Dancing, Grease or High School Musical (ooh, controversial), I now know that when dangerous tension threatens to disturb the peace, there’s nothing a few step-ball-changes or a bit of improvised break-dancing won’t diffuse.
The Richard Curtis Quartet
Any lessons I learnt from film, big or small, were taught to me by Richard Curtis.
About Time: Don’t spend your life worried, or you’ll miss the good stuff that happens every day (including sandwiches from Pret). Love Actually: Airport reunions are the cutest thing ever, and that affairs within a marriage should never happen.
Notting Hill: Even movie stars fall in love, and also that Hugh Bonneville is just incredible at life.
Four Weddings and a Funeral: Hugh Grant only ever plays Hugh Grant.