Sexual Healing - 8: Having a dry spell?

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I’M JUST NOT GETTING ANY. WHY?!

I mean, this could be down to anything, couldn’t it? I’ll try and cover some of the basics:

You could be the problem. Basic tactics: make sure you’re changing your clothes regularly, washing (and drying) them properly, wear deodorant, wipe your bum, brush your teeth, try and be nice to people. Advanced: live honestly and follow your heart, and you’ll grow into your own individual charm.

Your standards are too high. Do you ever find yourself scrolling through Facebook, Tinder, or your matriculation photo, and describing strings of people as, “too ugly, too NatSci, too forehead”? It’s likely that you need to learn to lower your standards a little, and focus less on the negatives.

So, pick your favourite ‘standard’ – say, good looks, or sense of humour. Think of someone who fulfils that one, at the very least. Ask them out for a drink! It’s unlikely you’ll find someone who fits your perfect match, but if someone fits your most important one, that might be good enough. As the miscellaneous character Paul said in 500 Days of Summer: “Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She’s real.” N’awww.

Don’t panic if the other boxes aren’t ticked, and your partner doesn’t fit your dream requirements. Humans are contradictory and volatile – they rarely ever conform to fixed definitions or categories. Someone who’s ‘laid back’ one minute can become a belligerent stress-head in a matter of seconds when you defecate on their bed. Enjoy the discovery of these contradictions!

There’s no one in your life that you’re attracted to. ...YET. No one, yet. Live harder. Living too hard already? LIVE HARDER, DIFFERENT. If you’re going to bring new people into your life, go out and meet them. Clubbing isn’t the best option, to be honest. Try swaps – they’re fairly easy to organise. Nearly everyone has this problem – you spend all of your time in a tiny and discrete community, but you don’t want to shit where you eat, right? Swaps.

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