It’s really rather embarrassing when you decide to break your vow of celibacy and then find the male population entirely uncooperative. After all, what’s the point of celibacy if there’s no one to resist? The townspeople have ceased to bring human offerings to my lair, and now I’ve downright forgotten how to go out and hunt (and am too fat and lazy).
Anyway, halfway through February and I’m starting to feel alarmingly chaste. And what’s worse, it’s doing wonders for my work. Every week for two terms I’ve restrained myself from actually putting down in writing how I secretly wish I had a boyfriend instead of a degree. And now it’s too late. Unless something goes horrendously wrong with my brain in the next couple of months, I’m definitely stuck with the latter.
Of course, I can’t afford to lose face. At least not outside of this column, in the big wide world where some of us have bad reputations to maintain. Cunningly, therefore, I’m making the most of religion and transforming my tragic lack of romantic interest into Lenten self-denial. Yes, I have now, officially, given up men for Lent.
Have I given up anything else? Absolutely not. Every other area of my life can be quite smoothly satisfied with a swish of my credit card. And if the chocolate wants to be with me, it’s not for me to heartlessly send it away. In fact, cliche that it is, chocolate fills the little space in my life left by men really rather well. Chocolate and I, well we have a great time. I watch movies with chocolate. I have dinner with chocolate. Chocolate keeps me company on public transport, and whilst reading, or even sometimes in bed… (Which, incidentally, can be extremely messy-I woke up one morning post-formal to find some chocolate which had drunkenly accompanied me home smeared like war paint across my face, neck and shoulders). I have just used the word “chocolate” seven times. And now eight. Pretty sure that’s more than I’ve ever used the word “men” in one sitting.
But what’s best of all is, chocolate’s has no jealous issues with my other beloved–in fact they go so well together that I think I might just spend tonight with them both. I never used to be into threesomes, but now…Chocolate, darling-meet Vodka…