Merry Clitmas and a Happy New Yeah!

Hannah Daniells Conroy 26 December 2018
Image Credit: Pixabay

Let’s face it, January is depressing and Lent Term is going to hit you like the hangover you pretended not to have on Christmas morning. But orgasms are good all the time, so this year, I am giving you the gift of pleasure, and wish you a very Merry Clitmas!

This is primarily for the people with vaginas as it is focused on clitoral pleasure, but couples are certainly welcome to read and encouraged to inject some more fun and pleasure into their relationships with my favourite sex toys! I also spoke to professional sex writer, Liv Cassano, for specialist, sexy advice.

1) Satisfyer Pro 2

Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation

January sucks, but so does this…cliterally. This golden blessing of a sex toy works by stimulating your clitoris with contactless suction technology. Unlike the first original satisfyer pro, this Pro 2 is waterproof, allowing use of lube and, well: use your imagination. It’s rechargeable, which means no annoying, endless battery replacement  Best of all, there is no need to break the bank: it is currently better than half price on Amazon (which also means no revealing packaging!) at £32.56.

Liv says: “if you’re one of those people who needs a lot of clit stimulation, then this is perfect!”

2) The Squish by Unbound 


The unique element to this vibrator is that the more you squish it, the more powerfully it vibrates!  It gives you a personally tailored experience with you in charge and above all, it is so simple. No longer must I have to spend ages exploring all the vibrating settings, accidentally skipping past the one I want and having to go all the way round again. UGH, no thanks. Gone are those sexually frustrating, wasted minutes of valuable wank time. It’s egg shape is fun, non-intimidating and super easy to use, as well as a cute object in its own right! This one is a little more expensive at nearly £75 on Unbound’s own website, but you know, your orgasm is priceless. Treat yo’ self.

Liv says: “its untraditional design means it is perfect for first time users as it looks nothing like a vibrator.”

3) Eva by Dame

Eva II

Now this one is aimed at couples. It’s essentially a hands-free vibrator which stays in place during penetrative sex, meaning it really is the perfect toy for two. It works by tucking its flexible ‘wings’ under your labia, fixing it steady above your clitoris to provide exterior stimulation during intercourse. You can even easily please yourself when pleasing your partner during oral sex, for example. It’s waterproof, rechargeable and small. This one is costly, retailing at $135 on the Dame website, but I suppose it’s two orgasms for the price of one!

Liv says: “I love this simply for the technology and design.”

4) Screaming O’ Screamin Demon (no this didn’t just make the list because of the name. Okay maybe a little bit…)

Screaming O Screamin Demon

It is super cute, pink and pretty and you can work it out just by looking at it. It’s USP is that it is designed to be quiet, eliminating paranoid masturbation sessions, so your housemates won’t hear ya coming.  It focuses on clitoral stimulation with its all-encompassing shape that hugs your clitoris, making for an intense session without the give-away ‘bzzzzzzz’ noise. It’s perfect for those dull, dark winter days, thin walls and nosey neighbours. BZZZZZZ off and let me wank without judgement. At only £14.99 from LoveHoney, give it a go!

5) The Classic Bullet Vibrator

Magic Bullet

Never owned a vibrator but intrigued? The world of sex toys feels like unfamiliar territory and not sure where to start? Buy pretty much everyone’s first vibrator (awww): the bullet vibrator. The intimidating name merely describes the shape, fear not. It is very small, comes in all ranges of colours and patterns depending on where you purchase from and is a great introduction to the land of toy-enhanced masturbation. They offer a surprising number of different settings of intensity: my one from Harmony has about 10, which is super fun to explore and allows for a degree of personal tailoring. The slightly annoying thing is that it’s battery operated, meaning it dies at any point. As I always say, vibratrors can’t break your heart but they can break down on you mid-wank, and isn’t that pretty much the same thing? You can currently buy one at LoveHoney for only £6.50 in the sale, but the great thing about these vibrators is that they are ALWAYS cheap. I would advise, if this is your first vibrator purchase, not to spend more that about £12. It’s just not necessary: don’t break the bank for your wank!