Nationalise this!

27 November 2008

A spectre is haunting Europe – the spectre of nationalisation. This week at the Union a vote from the chamber ruled that private schools are a public nuisance.

This is clearly ridiculous. Private schools, far from being an irritation to common sensibility, are the only social institution preventing this country from diving into the depths of depravity, saving us from being a third world country. Private school are, in fact, the only institution, apart from the monarchy, that maintains the important separation between elegance and degeneracy. Whilst we will never be able to rid society of its most sordid elements, we can at least avoid them.

The real nuisance is that scourge of the West, state schools. Instead of arguing about private educational institutions, we should be seriously questioning our own ineptitude that has led to millions of poor, illiterate, wastrel children being taught how to be unemployed, illiterate wastrel adults. State school must be closed. How else can we ever hope to be rescued from the threat that they pose to our nation?

“What Threat?” you might ask. But, is it just me who finds the smell of the coal mines currently too piquant or sees the dirt on the faces of the so-called ‘working’ class slightly too closely to be of comfort? More importantly, if poor people cannot afford to pay for education, there can be no real reason to teach those who cannot appreciate Jane Eyre like us, how to read. Their ‘reading’ experiences amount to the third page of ‘The Sun’ and I see no reason for my tax money to be wasted upon topless sluts.

Not only would a country free of public schools mean that the better classes no longer have to suffer such debase publications as ‘Walnuts’ and ‘FNM’, but no longer would Cambridge have to bother with access schemes, whose aim to achieve the Marxist ideal “social mobility” is nothing more than distasteful charity. This goal is unattainable and by trying to allow peasants to fraternize with the privileged, we are cruelly giving false hopes to those who should never rise above the squalor in which they were born.

These people, whom we deign to call British, don’t require or need education that they can’t understand. An analogy would be to give a pig a place at a table – it would not be able to use any of the correct knives or forks, it couldn’t wear black tie and its conversation would be trollish grunts. It is clear: each man should keep to his capacities. A pig eats in its trough, a pauper in its workhouse, a gentlemen in his club. None of these are to be mixed – you would never catch me in a kebab ‘joint’.

I, therefore, suggest that the creation of an underclass be one of the principal policies of our government.

All those truants and delinquents, which the government is trying to teach, should be turned into the child labourers they really yearn to be.

How else are we to compete with China? Realistically, this is a national issue. Only through submission to these dicta can British jobs be reintroduced to a British market and our economy be saved from recession. So, patriots, arise! Break the shackles of tax-imposed poverty that restrain us. As Boxer in Animal Farm said, “I must work harder” – and so they shall.