BREAKING: Crushbridge to reveal senders of posts

The site of the Van of Life, Cambridge's current home of romance
Image credit: David Dixon

The highly acclaimed Facebook page has sent students into a fluster this morning after it declared that it will reveal the senders of crushes which they believe are reciprocated.

Students have previously registered their discontent that after sending in legitimate crushes, their romances have not come to fruition.  This Easter Term, Crushbridge wants to lend a helping hand to Cambridge’s hopeful sweethearts and world-weary libido.

Commenting on the recent news, a Crushbridge spokesman told The Cambridge Student  “I know when that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing.”  We are unsure what this means, but it does seem that there is a problem that hotlines have not been blinging in Cambridge.

Allegations that people just send in posts about themselves for the attention have completely abated while Rumourbridge have declared that all Crushbridges were in fact sent by them anyway.  

With help of local snoopers on all things private, Cambridge Analytica, Crushbridge will be determining whether crushes are mutual.  The firm linked to Steve Bannon will be turning its hand to some lighter-hearted investigation to win hearts and if they possibly can, our minds.

Terror has spread from JCR to JCR as it becomes clear that no-one was “so above sending a Crushbridge” as they made out.  One student anonymously recounted his pained passion and quivering index finger after clicking send on his own Crushbridge, which was addressed to ‘A’ and signed, ‘Your boy in blue XD’.  They are still waiting to see if anyone cares.    

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