Rant: just say no to veggies by Simon Burdus

31 January 2008

Sitting in Chez Gerard, at a candle lit table for two, my date this week was going unpredictably well. But then in one nightmare moment, it all went downhill even quicker than Jack and Jill. The girl, who shall remain nameless for her own safety, leant over as we were about to order and whispered into my ear the biggest confession a girl can make on a first date. No, she didn’t have Chlamydia. No, she wasn’t a man. It was worse—she was a vegetarian!

Now, not eating meat for religious reasons is fine, I can accept this as there is no choice involved, but people who actively set to avoid any contact with meat for no apparent reason need examining. Meat is the most amazing food in the world. Don’t deny yourself roast beef on a Sunday lunchtime dripping with gravy. You gain no health bonus by being a vegetarian, so why do it?

After my date had made this outburst and ordered her food, I sat back in my chair contemplating the situation. In a Jason Bourne-esque manner, I’d already identified the three available exits and 17 different ways I could kill the veggie. But I thought I would give her a chance to explain herself.

“So you literally eat no meat, not even sausage?” I asked.

She answered, “I don’t eat meat but I do love sausages.” I was confused. No meat, yet this girl adored the sausage.

After some probing and investigation the answer became apparent. She ate veggie sausage, veggie bacon and even veggie chops. No! If you’re going to be vegetarian, you can’t hang on to the meat lifestyle by eating things that clearly are not what they claim to be. Bacon is pig. Veggie-bacon is a vegetable. I don’t go and buy a meaty carrot. Vegetables are vegetables and meat is meat. Veggie-bacon has to be called something else. It should be called a smoked sheet red vegetable. Mmm, sounds delicious.

Having got past this I simply enquired, “why?” Big mistake. Calm vegetarians are just about bearable. Those who don’t get mad when other people eat meat or smack a fly on the head or shoot a pheasant are fine. But this girl was one of the psycho vegetarians. Once my 12oz steak and chicken wings arrived, the lecture started. I was told why this was bad, how these animals are equal to man and that I should send it back in protest. How about NO!

Animals are animals. Men can sometimes be animals but that’s simply rhetoric. I accept that some animals can do tricks. I once met a parrot who could say “I am an ex-parrot” and “I cease to exist”. This is great, but ask a parrot to write a short story and we can see that their dumbness prevails. We eat animals because all species on Earth eat what they are stronger than and superior to.

I quickly ate my dinner and made my excuses, but as I was about to leave my hatred of this girl shot up another level. Her coat was leather! She may not have eaten an animal but she was more than happy to wear one. This I cannot fathom—at least be consistent!

Vegetarians confuse me. I don’t understand how they have developed such a level of acceptance. I propose a revolution to seek out these non-believers and rid society of them. Give me a girl with Chlamydia any day over a Veggie; at least one day the Chlamydia-ridden girl will be cured.