Sexual Healing: Get him off my Bed

Tony the Hammer 2 May 2014

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I’ve been seeing a guy in College who’s been popping around my room a lot to hang out. But sometimes when I pop out of the room for a minute, I’ll come back and he’ll be lying naked on my bed. It’s happened three times now. Make him stop doing this!

If I’m going to state the obvious, your guy friend is probably ripping his clothes off because he wants to sleep with you – otherwise, you really need to turn down your radiator settings. And from the tone of your email it sounds like you’re not rushing to leap in beside him.

However, I’ll still help you rid yourself of this egregious pest. Tell him that you’re not interested in sexual relations right now. Emphasise that you’ll let him know when / if you change your mind, and that he should wait until then. If it’s the method you don’t like, emphasise that for whatever reason you don’t like it. Tell him that he needs to be more subtle, that he isn’t Barney Stinson, and that you’ll dump him if he doesn’t.

Because, to be fair, he should have got the hint after the first time. The fact that he’s persisting is dodgy as hell. Consequently, you should have a long think about who you’re getting into a relationship with – but if you’re still keen, try some of the following:

• Endorse a cold shower – chuck an icy bucket of water at him.
• When you walk out of the room and expect that he’ll do it again, ask one of your friends, or a group of them, to walk into your room unannounced.
• Throw all of his clothes out of the window.
• Burst into tears.
• Take a photo and post to Facebook/leave a printout in a library book/distribute it to pigeonholes.*

Mind you, providing the moment is right and your partner actually wants to bang you, a quick change into your birthday suit can be an effective way to cut the bullshit and bang. A girl I know once pulled it on a bereaved guy and it worked. Happy Hammering! 


*Do not do this.