Trinity College fellows admitted to Addenbrooke's Hospital for gout

Alexander Rice - Nooze Satirist 7 March 2013

Trinity ‘Bulldozers’ spend an estimated £3.7m per year on swan-meat purchased from St John’s College on the black market…

It today emerged that two fellows from Trinity College have been admitted to Addenbrooke’s Hospital, Cambridge displaying advanced symptoms of gout.

The news comes amidst fears over the dining practices at the college, where last week a senior fellow was admitted for emergency surgery to remove a swan’s beak from his lower intestine.

Local councillor Pippin Woodcock took the opportunity to warn against the dangers of excessive eating but commended the achievements of local government in combatting misleading labelling of foodstuffs.

The news from within the College though appears more sceptical. One onlooker described the scenes at the top table in Trinity as “absurdly hedonistic” while another registered their admiration at the boundless ability of Trinity chefs to produce dishes consisting of animals within other animals.

Perhaps most telling were comments made by an anonymous ex-fellow, who described the culture of dangerous overeating amongst a group of Trinity fellows, self-dubbed ‘The Bulldozers’ as “frightening.”

Asked whether he thought practices would soften following the admittance of the two men two hospital, he commented “I doubt it, gout is often seen as a mark on honour for members.”

Students too have joined in a universal condemnation of the Trinity fellows with one initiate of the Wyverns, describing the state of affairs as “worrying” and “a black mark on the university.”

Trinity refuses to comment.

Alexander Rice – Nooze Satirist