Varsity vs Matt Alderton: On Campaigns and Champagne

Anon 5 March 2020
The Election: Part 1. “Humours of an Election Entertainment” by William Hogarth

Varsity, the University of Cambridge’s student newspaper, yesterday officially declared the tenth crusade against Matt Alderton, who is currently running for election as Cambridge Student Union President. Alderton has been at the centre of a number of controversies concerning an alleged homophobic slur and ‘bad behaviour’ at Magdalene May Ball, all of which were cited as reasons for Varsity’s ‘holy war’ against the candidate.

A long-time reader of the newspaper, who denies having made a blood-pact with Satan, argued; “Varsity is the voice of Cambridge students, which is why I was shocked at Alderton having a good time at his May Ball. He is simply far too cool to be Student Union President. Cambridge is full of pathetic, sexless nerds and deserves better. Furthermore, he hates gay people.”

Questioned further over Alderton’s alleged homophobia, the supporter replied; “There can be no clearer evidence than a single quickly deleted message on a JCR Facebook page for which the candidate has since apologised. To claim he ‘didn’t know the full meaning’ of the slur is an absurdity – I for one know all the best slurs [redacted]”.

An anonymous source from inside the university voiced their relief at Varsity’s announcement; “I myself have seen the video of a crapulous Alderton cavorting about like some latter-day Don Juan. His response, a wiffle-waffle of loquacious, meandering piffle, to this torrid affair has jolly-well ruffled me up the wrong way. Number Te- I mean, the University of Cambridge, condemns Matt Alderton.”

Matt Alderton was unavailable for comment. A source close to the campaign claimed; “Matt is too busy being a massive legend to speak to the press”.