Wannabe-NOC 2: The Gentlemen of Cambridge

Richard Farce 30 January 2014

You probably suspect me of leading a life of champagne breakfasts and picnics in punts, and, to be honest, you’re quite right. I love the lifestyle that comes with being an overprivileged young gentleman, and I don’t see why I should be ashamed of that. To those dastardly leftists who claim this kind of attitude fosters inequality or some such nonsense, I can only say that I have my fair share of hardship and suffering.

Currently, for example, I’m experiencing a relentless low in my love life. I’ve always thought myself to have a distinguished, dandyish charm, but it appears that the ladies of Cambridge are too intimidated by my worldliness to make any kind of advances. Mother always says that I’m a very handsome young man, and I know I can’t be failing to make an impression with my persistent chivalry, but something is holding the fairer sex back from approaching me.

I can’t say that I’ve been having similar troubles with the gentlemen of Cambridge, which has been something of a revelation to me. I’ve always had a predilection for women, though I have all the respect in the world for those with other tastes, like my uncle Archie. With all these eligible bachelors around I feel like one of those pesky vegetarians at a banquet, turning down perfectly reasonable offers for reasons of personal preference.

So as not to appear selfish and narrow-minded I have, of course, humoured some of these young men’s advances, though I haven’t slept with very many of them. I’ve just found leading a man on such an exciting way of making a new friend! And making friends is what studying is all about, to me. Which is why, frankly, I feel deserving of my lifestyle; faced with adversity in my personal life, I have managed to have new experiences, and I’ve made lots of new friends.

See Richard's first column here.