Wannabe-NOC 3: Blind Date

Richard Farce 19 February 2014

Attentive readers will remember that I spent most of my last column whingeing about my inability to woo Cantabrigian women.

Of course, with Valentine’s day fast approaching I was worried I would have no one to treat to the splendours of a V-day date with yours truly. I am delighted to be able to inform you that those concerns have proven insubstantial after a whirlwind love affair over the last two days.

Like most of Cambridge, I participated in the free-for-all that is RAG Blind Date. Of course, I could not leave the selection of an adequate date in the hands of blind chance and ill-informed RAG reps. The likelihood of my having to spend the night with a simple peasant was too high.

Instead I scoured the social networks for eligible women of an appropriate station. A substantial bribe to my rep ensured that I spent the starry night with none other than Patricia, Baroness of Merchington. 

It was love at first sight. While all around drunken revellers were drowning their sorrows in cheap alcohol and casting desperately around for potential partners, Patricia and I were in a world apart, bound to each other by true understanding and companionship. Our shared appreciation of money and other aristocratic values had us talking for hours, and I will not hide the fact that I ended the night in her bed.

Of course, I hadn’t realised before we met that the Baroness is a proud octogenarian, but greater sacrifices have been made in the name of love. We will be announcing our engagement next Tuesday.

I’m sure cynics will claim that I am only marrying Patricia for her money. I can answer only that our relationship goes much deeper than that. I am also very much attracted to her landholdings, and her collection of thoroughbred race horses.