It's the moment every student has been waiting for, the time to discover just which children's TV character your college is. Pop down your pens, cast aside your revision, and relive these childhood classics…
Christ’s College – Catdog
Half cat, half dog, Catdog is mildly disturbing. The old part of Christ’s is very much the cultured cat of proceedings — if the college architects had stopped there, it would have been perfect. Yet the awful addition of Dog, glued onto Cat’s backend very much resembles the quite frankly rogue architectural choice to drop a typewriter into Christ’s back garden.
Churchill College – Badger from Bodger & Badger
A male-dominated mess of masculinity, food fights and mashed potato being flung across the Buttery. That’s what Churchill’s like right? The trouble maker on campus. If Churchill is Badger, then the other hill colleges are Bodger, always getting a bad name for the antics of Churchill, and those infamous Bulldogs.
Clare College – Lizzie McGuire
Like Lizzie, Clare always wants to fit in with the ‘cool kids’ of King’s Parade, but is ultimately always overwhelmed by the huge shadow cast by King’s Chapel. Constantly questioning themselves, Clare has their own version of Lizzie’s Cartoon alter-ego in the form of Clarefication. But if they stopped worrying for five minutes about ~being cool~ they’d realise that Clare as it is, is quite simply what dreams are made of.
Clare Hall – Gordo from Lizzie McGuire
Gordo would be nothing without Lizzie, much like Clare Hall would be nothing without Clare. Offering sage advice and a shoulder to cry on, Gordo is the graduate to Lizzie's undergraduate.
Corpus Christi College – Spongebob
One of those colleges that we’ve all heard of, we all know about, but we might not actually have seen or to be honest even know where it is. ‘"Ah Spongebob yeah, a classic…" What was it about again? Fun, inoffensive, and ultimately a mid-level achiever.
Darwin College – Darwin from The Wild Thornberrys
Enough said. If you name your college after a walking, talking, upper-class British monkey from children's television then what else do you expect?
Downing College – Big Bird from Sesame Street
Grand and imposing for no real reason; Downing holds an inherent sense of authority. With books in their College Bar, Downing always seems, like Big Bird, to be on a mission to impart wisdom on the lowly childish masses of Cambridge. Not to mention that their crest is a massive yellow bird.
Emmanuel College – Arthur
An all round nice college — Emma always seems to mean well so who better to be a pleasant eight-year-old anthropomorphic aardvark? You would never end an episode of Arthur without having learned something important about the basic concepts of respect, sharing and tolerance — sounds a little like Emma’s recent Sexual Consent Campaign.
Fitzwilliam College – Basil Brush
With a booming voice, Fitz like to make their voice heard in town even from their distant residence up the hill. They are a lovable rogue — but ultimately it’s quite a marmite college. Some find their "Ha Ha Boom Booms…" utterly hilarious, as evident by their strong presence in the Cambridge Comedy world, but others can’t help but find their cockiness just slightly obnoxious.
Girton College – Brum
We all remember that small yellow car which woke up each morning, drove around the town, wreaked some havoc and then scurried back to its garage to sleep — all in the space of 10 minutes — don’t we? Well no. Girton might be forgettable, but the novelty of its ‘out of Cambridge existence’ will likely never wear off. We can only wonder, as we watch the Girtonians scurry around town on the bikes, just where their garage is at night.
Gonville and Caius College – Shaggy from Scooby Doo
Like Shaggy, Caius is fundamentally incompetent and inexplicably obsessed with huge portions of quite frankly questionable food. Zoinks!
Homerton College – Angelina Ballerina
Homertonians can’t keep their feet still, they love to dance, sing, and act — ultimately those EDE students just cannot be tamed. Official estimates suggest that it’s also the college which boasts the largest number of pink leotards.
Hughes Hall – Postman Pat
The oldest and therefore (potentially) wisest of the mature colleges, so it only makes sense that we place them as the pinnacle of children’s TV aged wisdom — Postman Pat. Situated in Anglia Ruskin land, Hughes Hall students like the endearing Postman are our community leaders in this faraway eden.
Jesus College – Raven from Raven
With a shed load of land, a keen interest in sport, and a (sort of) moat, Jesus is definitely the most suitable setting for a Raven-esque fight to death. The Jesus nature trail would be the perfect place for a Cambridge Way of the Warrior. In a college which boasts an entire room solely dedicated to Cockerel statues quite frankly no one would bat an eyelid to a man shapeshifting into a Raven in the middle of First Court.
King’s College – Top Cat
For some reason — given King's is the postcard college of Cambridge — its students are under the impression that they inhabit da streetz, that they are somehow a gang of rebellious low life cats. Indeed they are often in trouble with the law — if the law is the King’s Dean. But ultimately their rebellion, like Top Cat himself, is just a bit too cocky.
Lucy Cavendish College – Totally Spies
Full of bad-ass women who won’t take your bull. Mic drop.
Magdalene College – Dennis the Menace
Once the reigning champions of Cambridge posh thug debauchery — Magdalene has a reputation for controversy, and Dennis wouldn’t go amiss in the Wyverns of days past. But now, just like the fading depravity of the Wyverns themselves, with the induction of a certain ex-Archbishop, Magdalene has become just a very ‘nice’ college much like the new, revamped PC Dennis the Menace.
Murray Edwards College – Sophie and Brian from My Parents are Aliens
If there’s one structure in Cambridge which looks like a crashed spaceship which has been moulded into a ‘normal’, human building it is the Dome. Proving themselves to be generous spirits in their adoption of Mel, Lucy and Josh, Medwards too gathers the 'orphans' of the pool and give them a loving, if slightly eclectic, home.
Newnham College – Mildred Hubble from The Worst Witch
Mildred Hubble is a well meaning, do-gooder; yet on a night out can turn into a walking talking disaster zone. Not to mention Newnham’s grounds feel slightly like a magical boarding school. Forget Hogwarts, there’s a new Magical School in Town. (Also did I mention there’s a ‘The Worst Witch’ sequel set in Cambridge named ‘Weirdsister College’…you’re welcome)
Pembroke College – Tommy Pickles from Rugrats
Annoyingly competent, Pembroke is good at everything it seems. Always scoring highly in the Tompkins Table, smashing the acting scene, and… playing lots of croquet. They’re the College we all hate to love, how dare they be so good?!
Peterhouse – Muffy from Arthur
They’re preposterously wealthy for such a small thing, obsessed with prestige, a little bit oblivious to how ridiculous they are, but nice at heart. They have been around since the start, but somehow still manage to be on the periphery.
Queens' College – Hannah Montana
With its beautiful old buildings and quite frankly hideous new ones — Queens' has the best of both worlds. The Mathematical Bridge is the Miley Cyrus of proceedings linking both sides of the river and the metaphorical Hannah Montana and Miley Stewart in perfect union.
Robinson College – Jake from Adventure Time
As Robinson is Cambridge’s newest college it’s only fitting to equate it to one of the newer shows on the cartoon scene. Robinson is laid back, friendly and has the ability to shape shift — thrusting photos of the gardens rather than the buildings into the hands of their prospective undergrads.
Selwyn College – Noo-Noo from The Teletubbies
Maybe not an obvious favourite, but a staple of the Cambridge landscape. Selwyn students are rather elusive however, like Noo-Noo they hardly ever venture outside, instead remaining indoors, constantly collecting college gossip with its sucker-like nose. Well at least that's what some very reliable sources inform me.
Sidney Sussex College – Bagpuss
Sidney Sussex hold the undisputed crown of Cambridge laziness (Sorry Sidney, but that's what being opposite Sainsbury's gets you). It’s a "saggy old cloth cat, baggy and a bit loose in the seams, but Emily loves him" — well at least someone does. Because very few Sidney students do…
St Catharine’s College – Pippin from Come Outside
Why on earth would we make Catz a cat when it could be a dog? Pippin, like St Catz is ultimately completely harmless, they’re incredibly friendly and small enough to feel very homely — just like Auntie Mabel’s kitchen.
St Edmund’s College – Fred from Scooby Doo
St Edmund’s are known for being social, and sporty, the epitome of a jock. Fred seems just a little bit full of himself, and with St Edmund’s presence in the boat race — they don’t do much to counter this image. Also, side note: I can image them wearing an orange ascot. #stfredmunds
St John’s College – Bella from Tweenies
Straight up: no one likes Bella. Interfering, conniving, and obsessed with being the best.
Trinity College – Taj from Kerching
Trinity is obsessed with money. Whilst Taj is on a money making mission to become a millionaire, Trinity has far surpassed those lofty heights. They didn’t achieve their millions through the sale of trainers, but other than that, they’re completely the same.
Trinity Hall – Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle
Trinity Hall is definitely the middle child of the river colleges — neglected, forgotten and tragically ignored. Like child genius Malcolm, Trinity Hall is actually one of the nicest colleges to Cambridge. Everyone loves Tit Hall… But only when they remember it.
Wolfson – Eliza from The Wild Thornberrys
Eliza is an explorer, and you’d have to be to find Wolfson. Where is it? Who knows. Eliza can speak to animals. Can Wolfson students? Who knows? I’ve never met one.
All images via Youtube